Tuesday, February 16, 2016

To Love Yourself First: A Love Breakdown

To Love Yourself... The most difficult yet most rewarding love there is

  Love, we all crave it. That connection of energy from our counterpoint on this earth. That feeling of completeness. One could say it's the realist form of magic we face in life. Love is a natural need that we all desire and all spend our entire lives searching for. 
I've had my issues with love. My first love was the abusive type. Something so many can relate to. It truly almost ruined my sense of what true love really is. Love can come in many ways and many forms. It can build us up and completely tear us down. It's can make us or it can break us. People deal with love differently. Some refuse to let it in and others will do anything for it. I think the most dangerous thing I have seen in love is how so many will completely sacrifice who they are to make another happy out of fear of being alone. So many of us search for validation in another. Relationship after relationship we start to lose ourselves. We question our worth and who we are as people. What's wrong with me, why doesn't it ever work, why do they keep leaving?
I want to start out by saying everyone deserves love and there is love for everyone. I don't care what you look like, what you are into, who you are, everyone deserves to be loved for who they are. Never question if you will find someone to love you for the person you are because you will. You just have to go about finding them and creating a healthy relationship the right way. 
You can't use other people to validate yourself. A significant other isn't there to love you so you don't have to love yourself. You have to love yourself first or you will never be able to have a healthy relationship. If you go into a relationship carrying the baggage of your past relationship, it is surly going to clutter up all of the space in your heart and there will be no room for new and healthy love. Trust me, I know it's hard to sometimes let go of the pain of the past and not pay attention to the scars it's left on you but you have to. You have to heal and you have to let it go for your own benefit. So many of us leave relationships drained of our self worth and immediately try to find a new one so we feel something. We try to compensate our hurt and loss by filling it with the attention of another person and ultimately that isn't fair to them or us. 
You will never be able to have a healthy, happy, whole relationship if you aren't going into it as a healthy happy and whole human being. Until you love yourself and are fulfilled by yourself alone you will constantly be searching for more because it isn't another person you are needing. 
It's ok to want love and to want a companion in life. We were created to want that and to search for that. It's ok to be a hopeless romantic and want love. We all want love and it is a beautiful magical thing. We just need to start going about love in a more healthy way. 
Let's do a healthy love breakdown..

You can not have a healthy relationship with another person if you are using their love to validate yourself. It's ok to be lost and not know what you are doing. It's ok to be hurt and healing from your past loves and seek love to help heal, but seek it from family and friends and those who care about your best interest. It's ok to want love and crave it's positive energies but it isn't going to fix anything if it isn't you first loving and healing within yourself. Once you can complete your own life, then someone else will come in and compliment it. It isn't fair to not be able to offer someone your whole heart. You have to fix yourself so you can present the best you. Then a healthy relationship can start with another person. 

It's really important to know who you are and what your stand for in a relationship. You need to be able to stand up for your wants and dreams and not have someone else dictate your future because you love them. It's ok to still be figuring it out, that's something we will all do for the rest of our lives but you need to understand who you are and what you want so you can tell your future love.  You don't want someone else deciding for you and manipulating you into someone you aren't. Being lost can lead you into some very unhealthy relationships. If you are lost find yourself before you find someone else. 

People will surprise you and sometimes someone you never thought you would click with changes your entire view on things for the better. What's important is you know what you want in a partner and in life and you find that counterpoint that compliments those wants and shares those desires. Don't get involved with someone just because you think they are attractive and will at some point make sense in your life. Never get involved with the idea of changing them our yourself to fit well together. 

Love isn't always what you think it will be. Be real with it and be honest! Just because one person says it will be a certain way doesn't mean that it will be that way for you. Love is different for everyone and it fits into people's lives different. Be honest with your love and how you feel about it. Find someone who understands and fits into that love with you like a puzzle piece. You don't want to cut corners when it comes to love. That always ends up falling apart.  

Not all love is forever and not everyone has one love in their life time. Sometimes people come into our lives for a moment and leave a lasting impression that was meant to teach us something we hold onto for a life time but not necessarily hold on to them for a life time. It isn't meant to be forever and that's ok. People come and go and are apart of our journey. They may feel like they are going to be here forever in the beginning and then that fades. They are apart of the story but not the happy ending and you need to remember that sometimes you need to say goodbye so your last hello can happen. 

It's so hard to move on and let go of the pain from the past but you can not carry all of that into a new relationship and expect it to end positively. The past is the past and it didn't work out for a reason and you can't bring that into your new relationship. If you hold the pain that was left by your past love against your new love you will end up still searching in the end. People can only handle so much and they can help heal and support you but ultimately only you can decide to let it go and move on. 

It's very easy to change everything you are and everything you believe in to fit someone in your life. If you have to change everything just to make a relationship work, then it isn't working. You shouldn't have to change and neither should the other person. You and your partner should compliment each other not have to change your entire being to be together. 

People invest way too much of their happiness in others instead of finding it in themselves first. They seem to think that the only ultimate happiness is love from a significant other and well it may be an amazing form of happiness it isn't the only one. You need to be ok with being alone and learn to find all of the amazing and rewarding forms of love life brings us. Don't reject the love from life because you think you are saving room for your soul mate. Life offers so much beauty and joy and there is so much to be thankful for. Experience life and be joyful in it. Your love will find you when the time is right. 

On to many occasions people settle for being treated less then they are because they think they aren't worth more. You should never be treated poorly by the hand of someone else. There is no excuse. There is no reason. If someone can't value your life to either respect and love you or let you go then they don't deserve you or anyone else until they correct their own issues with human appreciation. You deserve all the love in the world and you should never settle for less just because someone else says so. That is abuse and you are better than that. 

One thing we have all heard after our hearts have been broken is "In time it will get better". Yes, that's a very hard thing to hear in that moment but it is true. It will get better. After a while we start regaining our sight and view the situation in a different light. The more time that passes and the more positive memories you replace the old ones with, the easier it is to see the bigger picture. You just have to hold on and make it through. Cry it out! Shout it out! Express and live in that pain and get to the light at the end of the tunnel because love can hurt but it can only kill you if you let it. Don't let it. Show it that you aren't giving up on your true love just because a temporary love didn't work out. Fill your life with the love from those around you and start to focus on loving yourself so you can heal and get some time behind you. 

Love is beautiful and it's messy and it's hard. It will make you cry, it will make you laugh. It will make you second guess yourself and find yourself. The key, is loving yourself and keeping control. Never be afraid to say how you feel. Always be willing to talk about it and never lie. Honesty can sometimes hurt, but lies are the killer of love. 
Coming out of an almost ten year abusive marriage I truly feared that the love I desired didn't exist. That it was meant for other girls but not me. I wasn't worth it and no one would ever value me or appreciate who I was. Maybe I didn't make sense. Maybe I was the problem. Maybe that type of "love" was all that there was for me. I was so wrong. The more that I let go of the pain and the person I was turned into and found who I really was, the more I started to see the future. As I let go of the pain and scars caused by someone I devoted my life to who was suppose to protect me but instead destroyed me, the more I discovered my own self worth and what I had to offer someone else. To myself. To the world! The more I healed, the more I was able to let love in. 
True Love can not be forced or created, it cant be manipulated or controlled, It can't be rushed. You don't find love, love finds you. It can be ten years from now with a person in another country. It can be four years from now with the neighbor you move in next door to in search of a fresh start. It can be in six weeks when you go out of town for work or to a concert with your best friend. It can be someone you've known forever or it can be someone you've known for five years over the internet that supported all of your ups and downs. You can't force it, you can't rule it out, you can only be patient and wait for it. When it comes around you will know. So remember to fully embrace it, because it is a gift that too many abuse and too many take for granted. Love is the closest thing we have to magic on earth, don't waste it. 

Xoxo Emily Doll TVD 
"Remember to always be yourself, and you will always be in style!" 

Article written for and originally published in Premiere issue of Pinup World 
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