Tuesday, June 28, 2016

The Style OF Me:Part 2

"The Style Of Me"
The Story Of How My Style Evolved
How I Use It To Control My Confidence 
& Body Image

Part 2
"Young, Beautiful & Insecure"
Emily Doll TVD 

Growing up in Southern California, I lived in my bikini every summer on Huntington Beach with my Uncle and two little cousins who were like my little sisters. 
Buying a bikini every year was an exciting event until I grew out of my last one and had to rush to Target before we went to the beach to pick up a new one. It was hard shopping in the women's section when your hips were still telling people you were 10 when you were really 15. I cried in the dressing room. I had too small of a chest to fill out anything and I looked silly as the bottoms bagged around my tiny thighs, even in an XS. That was one of the last bikinis I bought before my parents moved me to Oklahoma right before my 16th birthday. It was hard leaving everything that was normal to me at such a hard age and going to a place that was so far from what I knew.
15 years old
Style was really different in Oklahoma. Hollister stores seemed to breed their own type of teens that were sadly pretty hateful and judgmental towards anyone not in their "clique"and it was the dominating style at the peek of my youth. My plain tank tops that I wore to be simple and fly under the radar were all of a sudden layered and trendy. I remember being told that Hollister carried size 0 jeans and "I know they will be small enough for you Emily, they are so tiny." Yea well, not tiny enough because even the Hollister 0's were too big for me. Plus I wasn't going to ask my parents to spend $80 bucks on one pair of pants. Thankfully no camera phones were ever in my life so not many of my plain outfits were documented lol. I couldn't wear what was "In" due to my size and I struggled still to express myself with my style which I wanted to desperately.  I started to just blend in and didn't really have a defining style because at that point I didn't even know who I was. I was tired of trying to find clothes that fit me and also appealed to me, and was at my limit with how much I questioned everything about myself and how I looked. I was tired of feeling ugly and boring and not pretty. I was tired of being skinny and plain. I was tired of being me because me didn't seem to be good enough. I found and wore jeans I would buy in the Asian owned shops when I would visit California. They always had the smallest sizes that would fit me best. I went through the "wrap a sequin belt around everything" phase lol. I also had the matching hobo bag. I know you ladies remember those. I had the fake Luis purses and the fake Dooney's and thought I was really fitting in and being a stylish teen. I tried to hard to express my passion in style. I loved it so much. I always fell flat. 
15 years old
I remember when I was a teenager you would have never convinced me that high waisted jeans or jeans that weren't skin tight could be cute or attractive. Every teen girl my age wore the same thing and I was desperate to fit in and feel worth something and pretty. I tried my hardest to keep up with the trendy things but it was hard because trendy didn't seem to come in size minus everything. I never would have considered a lot of things that I wear now. It was drilled into my head that only one style and one look was what you were suppose to have. You were suppose to be the perfect trendy object of whatever was hot and trendy at the moment and to be honest I couldn't keep up for many reasons and really didn't want to. Everyone looked the same and seemed to find their worth in what styles were cool so they could value themselves in it. I struggled with that and felt lost in it when all I wanted to do was enjoy style and fashion and find my self in it. I've watched so many sacrifice their bodies to fit into the style trends that are constantly changing. It's hard to focus on the reality of that when you are constantly told how you are suppose to just shut up and look this one way because if you don't, well you will be an unhappy, worthless, ugly loser forever. We very rarely see outside the "whats hot" style box that the media wants us to hand our paychecks over to and embrace what we like and makes us feel good instead.
17 years old
At 17 I started dating my first boyfriend. At this point he isn't even important enough to talk about, not after everything I went through with with him, but he played a role in a lot of what I went through and why I was both so unhappy with myself, and how I discovered the style that helped me find myself. I was pretty simple and normal I guess you could say. I tried to keep up with the trends and what was cool. I spent hours straightening my hair every day to look like Amanda Bynes lol.  Looking back I was so stressed out over trying to keep up and fit this mold I filled my head with thanks to what I allowed the outside world to feed me about how I should look. I seemed to go through all these phases trying to find what made me feel bold in myself. I was also very shy and nervous and I worried about not being able to pull anything off  or having people judge me  for embracing what called to me in the style world. One of the worst was the jean mini skirt and high heels everywhere I went phase trying to embrace my 18 year old sex appeal... not a proud style choice and I still giggle at my attempt at becoming a grown woman lol. Also glad there is no photo evidence. 

I didn't shop much and I wasn't constantly after my parents for new clothes or to get me what was cool, it didn't really matter since nothing was made in my size anyways it seemed. My Aunt Laura was always my shopping buddy and would take me clothes shopping as a teen. Countless hours she stood outside dressing room doors waiting as I tried on every size 0 in the store hoping one, just one would be small enough to fit me. Very rarely would I find one that I would put on and think "I think if I put these in the dryer they might shrink up enough" 
Shopping always seemed exciting and I wanted to participate in the "girl time" side of it but anything outside of accessory shopping with my cousins always ended in stress and frustration. 
17 years old
When I started my second job at the age of 18 at an Ulta Beauty it was my first look at personal styles of so many different women. All of the girls I worked with ranged from simple and natural, to scene, to alternative, to trendy. They were all into their own thing and let their personal styles outwardly express who they were in a creative way and I was drawn to that. Being home schooled I was never really exposed to other peoples style expressions and it didn't take me long before I started searching for my own. 
I started becoming more bold with my make up choices. Experimenting with colors and more dramatic looks. Cosmetics have always been a huge passion of mine so getting to work at Ulta and really play with what I loved was a huge inspiration to my evolving style. It didn't take long for the salon got a hold of me and for the first time ever I started getting creative with my hair choices. I didn't realize it at the time but I was falling into the scene category more and more at that stage of my life. Before I knew it I had a blue black and leopard mullet with my nose pierced. It was the most dramatic style I had ever embodied and though it was fun to be free and try something new with my look, it just wasn't me and it didn't last long. Yet again I searched for my confidence in a style that wasn't me. I can say that it helped me embrace my passions at the time and helped me become bold in taking charge of my image and not caring what others thought or how others felt about me. I knew I looked different and that's what I wanted. I wanted to be wild and out there and express this energy I felt I had. My family was a little confused about my dramatic style change due to me always being the girly, simple cute one that played it safe.... always played it safe. I didn't want to play it safe. I wanted to find myself and embrace who I could be. Between all of the outside forces I eventually gave up on this too.

19 years old
It wasn't long after I quit Ulta after finding out I was pregnant with my oldest that I got married to my boyfriend. I was a stay at home mom to start out with, but had to go back to work to help pay the bills and was given one option for a job by my husband at the time and it was a sports bar that I would work the closing shift at. Here is where I adopted my most self destructive style choice of my life. Working at a bar trying to fit in with so many beautiful women that I just couldn't hold a candle to. All tall, curvy, tan, beautiful full busts, great hair and out going personalities. 100% wasn't me. I tried to adapt and I tried to fit in. I tried to be that kind of beautiful and find myself in that style and hoped to gain the confidence they had by doing so. It back fired horribly. Trying to bounce back after having a baby only 3 months before and put myself on the same level as women who more than owned their sex appeal and knew how to use it, while I wasn't even sure what being sexy was.
22 years old
I went from jeans and tank tops, being shy, pale and insecure to tanning daily, throwing on some booty shorts and knee high boots and doing my best to fit a role I was being forced to play into even though in my heart I knew it wasn't me and I wasn't happy at all. There is a lot to this part of the story that is heart breaking and I promise to tell you all sometime. Lets just say I sacrificed myself completely to make the person I was married to happy at the time and that never ends well. I completely turned myself into something that I wasn't in a desperate attempt to find myself and some amount of confidence to try and hold my life together that was crumbling around me for things that later I would learn I would never be able to fix because I wasn't the problem. My marriage at the time was in a horrible place and was becoming more and more abusive and unhealthy and I was being pushed to do things I wasn't ok with. I questioned everything about myself. Why I wasn't good enough and why I was being asked to do things that broke my heart so badly. I don't want to talk about it too much, but it was a really hard time in my life and I am really glad I got through it without losing myself entirely and was able to pull myself out of it. Its over and its the past. We all have times in our life we don't like to think about due to the pain of things we went through, or things people we love put us through. This is one of those times for me.  This lasted for a summer and then ended. Thankfully. 
22 years old

Young girls are blinded by so much pressure. If they only knew how beautiful they really were and could do anything and be anything, but their insecurities tend to cripple them and keep them from their full potentials in life.

Over the years of my life its been one struggle after the next in an attempt to find who I am and the confidence to embrace it. To fit in and become this ideal woman society says I should be. I have more than once tried to change myself to fit different trends and styles that are popular in hopes of gaining strength and confidence. I've struggled in my body and what others have deemed it on the beauty scale. I have questioned my beauty and worth. I have felt ugly and worthless. I have had people call me horrible things and make fun of me. I've been cheated on and used. I've been lied to and told I was the problem. I've been told I'm fake, a poser, a loser. Growing into my style has been hell.

Until the day I discovered Rockabilly......
It wasn't easy at all at first. Then I tool control with the confidence and strength it gave me.

Stay tuned for part 3 in my newest blog project 
Evolving: The Story of My Style & The Embracement of Me 

Thank You for reading and I hope you come back to read Part 3 when posted on my Blog. Feel free to share and follow with others. Together we can embrace our growth and change in who we were meant to be, with out shame or ridicule but in love and confidence instead. 

"Remember To Always Be Yourself & Your Will Always Be In Style"

Emily Doll TVD

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