Wednesday, November 2, 2016

Growing Into Me: The Take Over Of Emily Doll


Growing Into Me:
The Take Over Of Emily Doll 
by Emily Doll TVD


"Be who you want to be. Evolve. Grow. Change. Love yourself. Be yourself. Become who you are meant to be. Never deny who you are to make others happy. Never ignore your passions to benefit others emotions. Never allow others doubts or opinions stop you from moving forward or stop you from growing. Be you. Whoever that is and however many times that may change. Always remember to be true to who you are in every moment and phase in your life." - Emily Doll



It has been over half a decade that I have dedicated my life and everything that I am and represent to the pinup and rockabilly life style. That's a really long time. Longer than most and shorter than some, but still a long time. I have been going through a lot of changes over the past few months. Obvious ones. I have received emails and read comments, "You look different" or "Your style seems to be changing" so I know you are all wanting some insight. I feel after all of the years we have spent together sharing my passions and adventures, I owe you all a little explanation. 



After our recent devastating house fire and how quickly you all came to love and support me, it helped me see even more how that by me always being so open with all of you, and sharing my feelings and life struggles, it really has given you all something. It's given you guys something to the point where you all felt close enough to me to reach out and offer me such love and support. I wanted to focus on being even more open and up front with you. 


Over the past 11 years I have been building a brand and career off of my passion for pinup and rockabilly. It's reached great heights and become way more than I ever thought it could be. Will I ever be a world famous pinup model and face? Probably not, but I have made more than a mark on the industry. More importantly my brand has changed and saved lives and that means way more to me than becoming some famous face or name. I work really hard at what I do. Juggling my life like everyone else in this world while not having enough time to do it all in. I have had to change and adjust the way I do things to fit into my life as it also changes. Revolve around a full work schedule and everyday chaos. I keep going. I keep pushing. I take what I do very serious. I don't sell out to make quick cash off my followers and I turn down hundreds of offers and dollars due to their shady less than up to standard products or messages that aren't good or positive for my followers and that I don't agree with. I've tried doing the scheduled link postings to help support my family and it felt wrong and it didn't last. I just can't go against my morals in things and how I carry my brand and work. I love what I do. I love all of you and I can 't sacrifice my integrity or my fans for click bait cash. I also can't sell out my beliefs to do what it takes to make money in this industry quick. I am who I am and that wont change. Personally or in my brand.
It was always my dream to be in the industry. I wanted to be a make up artist and a photographer. Then I got into modeling. I have had a very small taste of the industry and only from the pinup side, which in reality is hardly a taste at modeling at all. I have faced more than enough negative personalities, energy , treatment and behavior. I have had friends and locals turn on me and lash out at me for my success. I have had girls attack me online who have never even met me out of jealously, which I find to be the biggest waste of energy. This industry is ugly and negative. It isn't glamorous like most girls think it is.So many feed on the illusion that being a model is the most amazing thing, when in reality its one of the hardest jobs you can try and succeed at. Once you really get in deep, you find out things that can easily steal your passion. The role models you looked up to and finally get to meet suddenly disappoint you as the curtains fall to reveal their true colors. Taking advantage of people seems normal, you have to cheat, lie, take your clothes off or sleep with someone to get to the top. So many things that you have to fight against and it becomes draining. Like anything in this world, there is a lot of bad that comes with the good. Is there amazing souls and talented good people, hell yes! So so many of them and a lot of them don't get the recognition they deserve for their hard work and talent.  Sadly they are drowned in a sea of bullies, cheats, liars and people who want to use them to make a quick buck, get ahead or claim that they made you the talent you are. It is more about competing now a days than about fun and confidence like it use to be when I started out or even before that, and it has been draining my passion. I don't want what I love in this world to turn negative due to ugly people and dishonest hearts. So I have decided to take a new path in what I do and only focus on positive projects, people, and environments that are good for me as a person. I am not competitive which is why I was never interested in mainstream modeling until pinup. I did pinup modeling because it and the life style behind it is something I love. It turned a light on in my soul and

fueled me in ways nothing else ever had. It has turned more than negative for me in many ways. I don't get involved in anything, I don't go to shows, I don't participate in magazines anymore. Everyone is so cut throat and shady I am tired of being used and paid in "Exposure" for my "Outstanding untouchable talent like no other" At some point, something has got to give and being a professional has to come with working with other professionals. So far the professionals I have met are the small businesses and personal photographers I have worked with and a very small handful of models, who most of are also no longer modeling due to the corrupt nature of this business. Everyone is looking for their in to be famous with as little of work put in as possible and a ton of using and lying to get a head. Every time I turn around another "Pinup Group" is using the term "charity" to make and steal money or get attention at the downfall of others. Scams, liars,"models" stealing the hard work of designers to promote when they receive trade product and never follow through. Its destroying the work that I do to help feed my kids and honestly I can't take being involved in the dishonest ugly nature of it all.  


Sadly this is a side that is in most things. No matter what job or thing you decide to get involved in, there is always an ugly side no matter what. All you can do is stay true to yourself and always try and do the right thing. My involvement in my passion has become limited. I work so much to take care of my two boys that I don't have the same time to devote to what I once did, but sadly I have been ok with it due to all of the behavior and attitudes I was crossing. What I love most about what I do is what it represents and stands for. The strength and confidence of women standing together and saying this is who I am and I love myself. I needed pinup at a point in my life. I needed it for so many things. I don't need it anymore, I just simply love and enjoy it but there are so many women who are still looking to it for that confidence they lack and to help them accept themselves and unfortunately there are a lot of women in this industry that are so mean hearted and hateful that they are ruining this part of pinup and it breaks my heart. I can't go to a shoot, event or talk to anyone involved in this industry anymore without hearing such horrible things. There is no need for that behavior and the scariest part is these are the women that try to preach the loudest about anti bullying but are the ring leaders of the bullying tribe! I am not sure who they think they are fooling but this girl can see through all of your fakeness. 

I started dealing with heavy depression early this year and it was taking a toll on me as a mother and person. The negative energy was becoming to heavy for me to carry and I decided to take a different path for a while. Involve myself in simple things. Things that I enjoyed and didn't really involve others besides the companies I worked with and the fans that I love so much. I didn't want to do anything. I stopped getting dressed and took the laziest route to everything. Started losing confidence I worked so hard to gain and just really stopped caring. I had to take a step back and really look at things. I went to get professional help. For me. My kids and the people in my life that love me. I am not afraid to share that or ashamed. There is nothing wrong with accepting things like depression and seeking ways to get better. I couldn't deny it anymore, it had been years and I was finally drowning. I couldn't slip under and give up, my boys were counting on me. You were all counting on me. I had to look for a new path.


People always say "Ignore the haters" well it isn't about the haters. Internet trolls are like little preschool kids I laugh and shake my head at these days. Calling me skinny or some other generic comment makes me laugh at their lack of creativeness in insults and only makes my heart hurt for what they lack as people. It is about the negative energies and drama filled situations that I can't stand. Mean hearted women who you can't even go to the same shows as with out someone making up a problem or accusing you of total crap you had nothing to do with. I was home schooled for a reason, yet I find the high school mentality more as an adult these days than anything. I'm over it. I don't want to lose the passion I have so I have stepped back a little. I have become more and more distant in the genre I play such a big role in because honestly the fake nature of the women. The attitudes are overwhelming and the fight to be the best is tiring. I just want to do what I love and share it with you all. I don't want to constantly spend my time defending things about me that are made up by bullying women who are the problem yet try to make themselves the good guys. They are the problem and they are killing this genre with their behavior. I don't want to be a part of that. When they go out of their way to make vague Facebook posts about you because they are just sure you are the reason they aren't famous yet, or they make videos discussing your divorce, abusive marriage and talk about children and finishing it off by then contacting your ex to further get involved in your life, yea I'm not about to waste my time and energy around people like that. If you want to think you are top dog in this industry go for it. You never will be. You will never be one of the greats because you already failed with your ugly heart. I won't pretend to be your friend because you don't deserve it. I won't ignore your bad behavior or bullying nature. I will call you out and you won't like me but I am ok with that. I am too old at this point and come too far to care if mean girls let me stay apart of their groups. I will take a party of one any day of the week over sharing a table with the women that are destroying this industry and women everywhere just trying to learn to love themselves. If your dress is ugly I will tell you so. I am honest. I am sorry if you can't handle the truth or being held accountable for it. If you bully someone and continue to do so... We can't be friends. 
I love pinup. I love rockabilly. I love all things retro and vintage. I love pinup modeling and the work I get to do because of it. It will always be a part of me and what I love. I do not need it to define who I am anymore or speak for me. I don't need it to prove myself or my strength because I can now do that myself thanks to all of the amazing things it has given me and taught me. Let me explain...


I turned to pinup in a very dark time in my life. I fell in love with it yes but It helped me be brave and confident in myself, with out it I couldn't be who I am today. It was always way more to me than an image or style. It showed me so much about who I am as a woman and what I can do. It showed me I could go out on the edge and survive. I could step out of my comfort zone and take my self esteem by the horns and wrestle it to the ground and take control of it. Pinup gave me a voice and it gave me strength and confidence when I didn't think I would ever have it. It helped me to stop doubting myself and start believing in myself.  For the past 6 years I have built an entire brand around this name and image. Why? because that name and image was who I was. It was me. It was everything that I was at that point in my life. I needed it to help me move forward and be strong for myself and my kids. I don't rely on it to keep me strong anymore. I rely on myself. It defined me when I felt like I was a ghost but I am not a ghost anymore. I know who I am and I am not afraid to share that. I am not afraid to say who I am and what I believe in and if you don't like it kick rocks. I once needed it to keep me going, now I can just love and enjoy it for myself because it is something that brings me joy and happiness. Although with the direction so many women are taking it these days, I fear that it will help less and less women like it did me because they won't want to get involved due to the catty nature of it all at this point. 


The past two years have been the biggest for my career. I left  a controlling relationship and was finally allowed to embrace what I loved without it being used against me. I am professional at what I do but I am not a professional model. I am a freelance model who is great at what she does because she takes every job she does serious and strives to give her best in all things, but has to have a full time job to support herself and her kids. My modeling is what it is because of my constant hard work and passion.My hustle. My consistency. My respect for the industry and those in it. My ability to learn from others. My humble nature and honest heart. My genuine love and talent for what I do. My constant evolving. Because I love it and I give it all that I am. A lot of people see me as one dimensional and for a long time I have been. I had to be because I was hiding behind something I created to help me be strong. Now I am strong all by myself. 



I don't need an image to define me. I don't need a style to define me or a genre, I don't need one single group or interest to make me who I am. I define my style and I define myself and that is how I will continue to be. I have grown so much and learned so much about life, people and who I am. I use to think I had to always be on point and prove myself and who I was and what I could do. Constantly trying to prove that I knew what I was doing. But to who? People who didn't like me? Doubted me? Laughed at me? The people who didn't even matter. I always felt like I had to meet this standard and prove that I was good enough in my own passion. How is that ok? As a person like anyone else, I will continue to grow and evolve as a human being and stay true to my heart no matter what. Everyone isn't always going to understand what you do and I don't expect all of you to agree with my choice or changes but realistically I am making those choices for my life and not yours. For those who leave following my journey of Pinup, thank you for being here while you were and thank you for loving and supporting my work, I wish you all the beauty in the world. For those who stay, know that nothing is changing other than my reach in further away stars. I want to start working with new people and do new projects that are only with good honest people who feed into the same energy I do. I may portray more styles and looks than just one these days but that's because I am embracing all of my passions now and not just one. I am no longer afraid of being attacked or called fake or a poser for being more than just a pinup. I'm more mature than that, more advanced than that. I know how good I am at what I do, I know I kick ass at pinup because I love it and enjoy it and it brings me happiness. I don't have to prove that to negative people any more than any of you need to prove who you are to those judging you and your life. We are who we are. Humans. We love things, embrace things, grow and change, there is nothing wrong with that if you are always just being you. 


My brand, image and the way I look may be evolving and changing and might be different than you are all use to, but Emily is still the same dork you all know and love. She just wont be limiting herself anymore. I want to experience and enjoy all that the world has to offer. I want to experiment with the things that I have always loved like beauty and fashion with out limiting those things. I will continue my love and modeling for all things pinup and retro but who I am is growing and my brand will be growing with me. I want you all to be ready and prepared for that. 

I will always be honest and real with you all. The internet is a strange place of smoke and mirrors. People try to carry out these images and lives that aren't even real half the time instead of just being themselves. That is something I cant do. I will always be myself and the more I learn and grow the more you will all see. By sharing my growth and life situations, I only hope that it continues to help you all in your own lives. I've received so many emails from you all. I've helped you guys with self acceptance, self confidence, body issues, self love, relationships, abusive marriages, abusive families, life perspective and so much more. It has by far been the best part of my modeling career. I am ok with being vulnerable and open online with you all because I see how it helps you. It's really hard at times for me, but how can I not share when I know its helping others, Being open about my abusive marriage and my divorce was very hard, but I am glad I was because I have had the opportunity to talk with so many of you and help you all with similar things because I opened up. That's why I do it. To help others. For all of you amazing people. 

Now don't panic, I am not leaving the pinup scene, I have more than earned my place in it. Going against what so many had to say about me and the negative energy I have faced, I have proved my place here. It may not be my only style  focus, but it will always be apart of who I am. I will always specialize in it because its my passion and first love. I needed The Vintage Doll. She saved me. She has taught me so much about myself and about others. But, Emily Doll is taking over and she is letting go of TVD's hand and instead, walking beside her while no longer hiding in her shadow. We are a team and I want to grow and expand that team and let them grow to bigger things. I want to do more, see more, help more, get involved in more, try more. To do so, I need to reach out into more directions than just the one I have been following. 


I recently had the chance to shoot with a long time photographer friend of mine, Mistie, of Mistie May and Mistie Dawn Photography studios. We have been friends since I first started modeling and I recently had her do family photos of my boys and I. While doing so, her and I both did a little playing around ourselves with some shots. They came out amazing. I talked to her about my current pull at my heart involving my modeling and she truly supported and inspired my choice. She is one of the most knowledgeable photographers I know and also an amazing human being with a very real perspective on life. I adore her. After shooting with her and talking with her about how I feel about the pinup industry and my personal work, she told me to follow my heart and I would succeed in whatever I do. That is what I have decided to move forward in doing.

In closing I would like to say this. I am human. I am a person just like all of you, I have ups and downs and I walk through life day by day just like anyone else. My mind is tired and needs to take a step back and adjust. I have been doing this in my work for years. Adjusting, changing, growing. You have all been there with me every time supporting me as I go. People will always change and grow. It doesn't make you fake or a poser, it makes you human. I am human just like anyone else. I don't want to limit my art,work and passions just to keep others view of me comfortable and consistent to what they know. I want the same opportunities to embrace the things I love like anyone else in this world and I recommend you all doing the same. Don't limit yourself in life. Expand and evolve. Trust your heart and follow it. Enjoy taking chances and trying new things. Be happy with your life. You only get one of them. 


Thank you all for loving and supporting me. Thank you for always being more to me than a number in the likes column. Thank you for being my friends. I love you all.


I want to thank Mistie of Mistie May studios for these beautiful new photos. 
You can book with Mistie for all of your shoot needs both personal, family or professional by contacting her on her social feeds. 

Facebook
Mistie Dawn Photography 

Email
mistiemaystudios@rocketmail.com

Phone 
(580) 483-8368


XOXO
Emily Doll- TVD


"Remember To Always Be Yourself & You Will Always Be In Style!"
XOXO
Emily Doll TVD

If you are a reader, fan, follower or someone with questions, please email me at thevintagedollfanmail@gmail.com


If you are a brand, designer, company,small business, magazine, photographer or someone who wants to work with me. Please send all emails to emilydollofficial@gmail.com
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