Saturday, December 31, 2016

New Year Same Me! Because I am Already Good Enough

The Close of 2016...
Emily Doll

Its New Years Eve and I'm sitting here reflecting. This year has been a year full of what feels like life kicking me in the teeth but if I really sit here and think about it, well, its been a lot of amazing things too. That's the key to most things in life though right? Balance. You gotta' take the bad with the good kind of thing. 2016 has had more than its fair share of heartbreak. From the loss of countless innocent souls taken to the worst presidential campaign of all time. OF ALL TIME! I seriously thought I was was watching the Hunger Games and no matter what the odds, they were not in our favor. None of them. lets be real. It was a shit show of epic proportions where we all just sat there thinking " Well fuck now what?" The fact that out of the two main choices the third most voted for write in was "Deez Nuts" Shows where this country is lol. Now we are left in the hands of mister "Your Fired" all hoping for the best..... Fingers and Toes crossed ol' comb over doesn't screw us all too bad. For the record, before y'all start screaming at me about being on the other side, nope, no ma'am, I am not with old pant suits either. I would have voted for Will Farrell before either them and we all know he's... Interesting. 
This year has suffered so much loss and pain. I can't help but take a moment to acknowledge all of the beauty that was taken from this earth so unfairly. From the lost children suffering in warfare to those gunned down in hate, this year, this world proved to be full of an evil I just can't wrap my head around. So many of us focus only on our own surroundings that we miss the devastation that is world wide and a daily terror for so many. It is hard to believe this is what it has all come to. 
To all of the souls lost, to the children, mothers and fathers, sons and daughters, grandparents, siblings, friends, you are all loved and missed deeply. Till you all meet your loved ones again. 
This year has been a big year for me. A year of growth and change. A year of maturity and learning whats important. A year of overcoming and taking charge. A year that had some loss and heartache but even in those moments life was teaching me something. I have a lot that has changed in my life in the past year and because of that change I am a much better me. Everyone loves to pull out the "New Year, New Me" slogan when New Years is upon us. I think its wonderful how people always strive for that fresh start and inspiration to be there best selves. This year, I don't strive to be a new me but the best me I can be. Over the past year I have been working myself into the ground. I work constantly and have zero time for my passions. I have tried my beat to keep up things but a lot of it just took a toll on me. I took a step back and used this year away from my modeling to just grow as a person and I think I really needed that. I realized I put a lot of my time and heart into things I shouldn't. Allowing things to hurt me or drain me of my joy. I started living this year in a way I had not in a while. Just letting go of things and moving on for me and what is best for my kids. I looked hard at my brand and image and the negative side of what I did and realized I needed a new approach and direction and I took it. I have been investing my time in the things that have always allowed me to express myself and bring me happiness. I'm embracing my love of beauty and style and truly rediscovering my passions and a new type of confidence in who I am as a woman. 
I am not sorry for the changes I have made or the direction I have grown in this past year. I am embracing myself no matter what direction my heart takes me and I am at peace with me. I am happier than I have been in a long time and thats a great feeling.

Lets reflect a little on this year... 

I got full custody of my children this year. Its been close to a three year fight and they have been through hell. Never have I had to go through something worse than seeing my children suffer like they have in this. It's hard when your whole world is hanging in the balance of someone else's choices and no one will help you. It has been an extremely long hard battle and my kids and I have finally reached the finish line I never thought I would be strong enough to get to. Yet we made it. There are certain things you go through in life that are so hard and so painful that you are just sure they will kill you before you ever get through them. Fighting for the security and well being of my children was one of those things. I would have never given up, I would have always fought for them. Thankfully I won a battle that should have never been started and now I can start directing it in a more positive and healthy direction not only for them but also me and all others involved. Ultimately you have to stay focused on the outcome and not the anger and pain that put you there to begin with. Children deserve love and safety and to always be the number one priority. Over your own wants and dreams, over everything. It isn't easy but its how it works when you create life. It's how it works for me. Some day they wont need me so much and I can focus more on my own passions, until then, they are everything. 
These two are my whole world. Since day one they have been my best friends. Watching them grow and experience things is such a joy. Taking them downtown to the candy store, listening to Ben explain to me how to beat Mario Kart 7, Charlie telling me "I'm happy you got here" when I get home from work every night. The kisses, cuddles and hugs fuel my drive and push me forward. Everything I do is for them. The late nights, the sleepless nights, the endless cartoons, the never ending smiles and even the days where I want to cry, they are everything and my life is so much better with them in it. 

The are such dorks. They embody so much of me in different ways. Such silly little people. The conversations, the little hang ups they have, they are so set in their ways and they are so different. I truly couldn't be more blessed. Being a parent is hard. it isn't for everyone and those who stick to it are truly strong people. You question yourself a lot and wonder if you are cut out for it. It is draining and hard work but also the most rewarding.
People ask me when I council them, "I don't know how you do it. How you survived it and made it through." It's simple. They couldn't afford for me to give up. 

Most people would refer to me as a single mother. Yes I do a lot on my own but I am anything but alone. I have an amazing team mate in life. Once a dear friend who helped inspire me and support my dreams, he was there in some of my hardest life lessons and now he is a huge part of my life and my kids life. I loved this man before he met my children but now that I see how much he loves them and they love him back, well it makes it that much better. People have asked "Don't  you lose fans when you say you have a boyfriend?" I respect this man so much, and their are some things in life that are too amazing to hide and he is one of them. I love him deeply. He has not only shown me so much beauty in life and love but hes taught me more about myself than I ever thought I could know. How to accept myself and know my worth. I have never felt more appreciated and cherished and its almost overwhelming how fulfilling that is. My children adore him. They light up when he is around and argue over who loves him more. He puts them first in all things just like he has with his own children. When I think about him I can't help but hum the Cinderella song "So this is Love" I had no idea. I thought I grasped what love was but it was so twisted and painful. With him love is easy. I am his equal and we are a team and I always know it will be ok because he is there and he will always put us before anything else. This man's soul is so beautiful. Hes kind, thoughtful, generous, helpful, honest and honorable. He is what a man should be. The best part is he is a total dork that makes me laugh and shake my head everyday. He completes our family where there has always been a gap. I just didn't realize that gap was waiting for him to come along and fill it. 
I can't take all the credit for how far I have come because I didn't do it alone. That would be a lie. He may live 8 hours from us but I've never felt closer to someone. Never deny yourself true love to make excuses for toxic love. I did it for so long I started to think true love was all a joke. The only joke was what I allowed my life to be for so long when I could have been this happy all along. Giving up on someone doesn't make you a failure. Not when you have devoted your entire being to them and all they do is use it and abuse it. Your life wasn't created to benefit someone else but to share and enjoy with someone who values it. Love isn't painful or hard. It doesn't make you cry every day and think "Why can't we just be happy" Let go of that and love for real. 

I have a family. We are a team and everything we do is to take care of each other. I come from an amazing family. I've grown up with that connection and comfort so not having that for my kids was hard but I no longer have to worry about that. We work together every day to provide each other with love and that strong bond of team work and knowing you will never be alone. 
I am so spoiled with love and appreciation. Between all the fellas in my life I know I will always be taken care of. From my two, to his two, and knowing he will never fail me, this girl has it made. This family has come full circle with what has happened over this past year and now we will really be able to start our lives together. This coming summer the boys and I will be moving to Texas to get rid of the distance and close that last gap. I will be able to quit my job and be with my kids more and focus on what I love and makes me happy. We will be a strong team and I can't wait to see all of the amazing things we concur together. Team DorkFish!

I have had two very important sources of strength this year. My best friend and my little sister. These women have taught me so so much. Between our shared heartbreaks, our self doubt, our life changes, these two keep me going.

Ashley became my friend at such a hard time in my life. Its like she knew I needed her to show me how to be a strong woman and be myself with no questions. Shes taught me how to embrace myself, be sexy, be bold. She could be the poster girl for women's strength. She has been through so much and she doesn't use it as an excuse to keep her down but to push her forward to bigger and better things always. No matter what anyone thinks or says, she is herself and I love that about her. Shes a boss bitch and my biggest inspiration. Her life is taking a beautiful step in the best direction it can at the close of this year. I am so so proud of her and how far she has come and how she is taking control of life and what she wants. She deserves it all, more than anyone I know. When I was in the deepest stage of my depression she was there to tell me I wasn't crazy and it was going to be ok. She makes me feel normal in my skin. No matter how crazy I really am.

My cousin Lindsey, more like my little sister, and her little boy Jacks. Goodness she has been through so much this year. When I am hurting I know she will understand. We grew up together. Shes always been my best friend. Since walking up to the park and going to the mall as teens, wearing horrible outfits from Rave Girl and spending every summer on the beach. We are the same person. We think and feel the same way about everything and say the dumbest stuff all the time lol. She is what a strong single mother looks like. Her son always comes first. He has everything because she makes sure of it. A home, food, clothes, love and security. She knows what I go through every day because so does she. No one makes me laugh like her. I can tell her anything and she doesn't judge me but embrace me. She tells me when I'm being a pussy and tells me when to buck up. I talk to her every single day. I couldn't make it through a day with out her. She is my sister and helps support me in the hardest job I have. Being a mom. 

I can say that if these two every called me needing a body buried, I would buy the shovels.
Thank you for helping to keep me going ladies.
One of the biggest changes I have made this year is within myself. I come full circle and am embracing who I am entirely. I no longer limit myself or feel as if I have to prove who I am to others. I come to a point in my life where I don't see the point of caring about the opinions of others in regards to who I am or my life. It has been the biggest relief. I use to think I had to be this image of perfection in the pinup world so I would be taken seriously or have people accept me. I really just needed to accept myself. Nothing defines me. I define me. Not my body type, my image, my style, ME. Who I am and what I stand for. My beliefs and morals. My love for people and the want to help others see their worth and achieve there biggest dreams. I want to help by showing them that being yourself is more rewarding than being what others want you to be. I am a human being growing and changing and learning about myself and life everyday. I work and struggle and cry and feel lost at times but I also know that if I keep trying I will get there. It isn't easy. Nothing is. You aren't going to wake up rich and famous and married to Johnny Depp or Meagan Fox. You have to work towards letting beauty into your life and appreciating it in all forms, allow it to blossom and grow and change with out stopping it because someone else might not like it. Be you and do what you love this year. Its worth it. 
I have been focusing a lot on beauty blogging this year. The beauty industry was my first love and passion for years. I wanted to be an MUA for the longest time. I have been getting back to that love and finding comfort in that for of expression for me. I love sharing that with my followers. YouTube hasn't been that easy but I hope to get back to that once I move to Texas and have more time to devote to my brand.
I love doing my style blog on Instagram and want to get more serious with it along with my beauty blogs and posts. When it comes to videos I would like to keep it more real life related. I love talking about topics that help you all and want to do that again.  It's all about balance and I have to find that for myself again. For me. I am excited to do that this coming year. 

Something I've been more open with is my dorky personality. Never in my life have I ever been able to say "I just don't care what you think" like I can now. I don't care if I am cool or the definition of what people want me too be. I am me. That happens to be a total goofball who eats too much fast food and had no filter. I'm inappropriate, and love to make others laugh. I love making people feel ok to be themselves because I can with how I embrace myself. I've always struggled with wanting to be that hot girl next door with perfect everything. Shes pretty and everyone likes her. That just isn't me. I had to tell my best friend I couldn't wear a sexy Halloween costume because at some point I will dance and people will see my vagina. I make silly dorky snaps and make fun of myself. I say things with out thinking and am way to honest for my own good but its me. Its who I am and if pretty and dorky don't go together than I am starting my own cult so it can. You don't have to be perfect to be the perfect you. I am tired of trying to fit in. I want to embrace all of me, every side of my crazy, I'm not sorry for it. You can talk about me, hate me, judge me, laugh at me, I will still be me and that is why I wont care.
If you cant accept me that's ok, I don't need you to like me for me to like myself. 

2016 has been a year of growth, self discovery and self acceptance. I have come to see what is important to me and why I should not burden myself with the weight of unhappiness. To shrug off others unkindness and hate and keep looking forward. It is extremely draining to constantly care what others think of you, especially when they are things that aren't even true. I don't want that life for myself anymore. I want to enjoy life and love living it. I want to love my passions and explore them. I want to see things and learn. I want to share my dreams and inspire others. I want to be the best mother I can be and put everything that I am into the family I have and have always wanted. This year is coming to a close and what was important and a focus last year has fallen into the darkness and forgotten about. No more pointless worry and stress, no more caring or putting energy into things and people who don't deserve it. No longer letting others steal my joy and love for things that make me happy. I will be 28 this January and I no longer feel confused about who I am or who I want to be because I know that I am always growing and changing for the best. Learning about things and appreciating others touches on my life. Valuing friendships and Soulmates.  I don't want to be a new me this year, This year I just want to be me. Whoever she grows into. And I wont be sorry for it.



"Remember To Always Be Yourself & You Will Always Be In Style"


Emily Doll TVD

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