Tuesday, April 4, 2017

I Don't Care What You Think.... I LOVE ME!


By
Emily Doll TVD

"I had to stop caring what they all thought. My family, people online, people who mocked me locally, all those who spoke so cruelly about me and who I was and what I was doing with my life. I had to let go of the judgment and the past and the pain. I had to stop giving a fuck about opinions. It was killing me" - Emily Doll

I want to reflect on who I am before I start this...
I am...
Beautiful.
Strong.
Loving.
Kind.
Honest.
Talented.
Funny.
Mouthy.

Blunt.
Real.
Sassy.
Silly.
Dorky.
Sexy.
Fun.
Brave.
Driven.
ME....

In today's world, no one is safe from the harsh judgement of not only the world but people who they love and you would assume would support you. It doesn't matter if you are pretty, have the perfect body, have money, a cool car, are popular or seem outwardly perfect, you will be judged and it will fucking suck.

I can't stress enough how it isn't you, you aren't the problem, you aren't broken or wrong or fat or ugly, or worthless or unlovable. It's those passing the judgement that have this issues. They seek out others to tear down to feel some sort of control over their own misery by bringing you down. If they can bring you down enough to get just the tiniest bit above you, well then they are getting ahead in life.

Three years ago I was a totally different person than I am now. So much so I almost don't even remember myself before now. I was so broken and so lost that I was literally a shell walking around to make others happy. I was simply a reflection of what other people wanted to see me as. I had no opinions, no dreams, no thoughts, I was just breathing. I never wanted to make anyone mad or have anyone disapprove of me, so I just pushed everything down and let it disappear. My entire life I was the kid in the family that everyone else was compared to. "Be like Emily" "Emily is Perfect" "Emily always does what makes us proud" "Look up to Emily, she is the perfect role model" I remember the first time I really screwed up by letting my first boyfriend sneak into my bedroom at night when I was 17. I just discovered sex and had my first boyfriend and wanted to be crazy and I loved him and thought he loved me. My big brother ratted me out and I was sent away to California for the entire summer. My Grandma told me not to tell my younger cousins who looked up to me so much. Don't tell them, they can't know you did this, if you can mess up like this there is no hope for anyone else basically. I didn't lie about it. I told my cousins what I did and told them to learn from my screw up. I am not perfect and I didn't want them to see me as such. I definitely didn't want them thinking they had to live up to my life or anyone else's. I wanted them to be their own people and live their own ways and not have that type of unfair pressure.

It was a really high pedestal to be placed on through my youth. I was always expected to make the right choice and never step outside of that role. I was always the one everyone could count on and they liked it that way. Although for me it was a huge title to live up to. Constant stress and fear that I would dissapoint my family, Constantly scared I would let someone down or screw up one of my younger cousins lives by them doing something I did. It sucked and now looking back at it, I feel like the way I lived in my childhood set me up for the abusive marriage I found myself in. My entire life was always to make others happy. Be there for other people. Don't fuck up Emily, people are counting on you to always make the right choices.... I was a kid... I didn't know how to always make the right choice, but I knew I had to try, From 17-23 my life was in total control by my ex. I guess I didn't see it as abusive until I left because its how I grew up.

I grew up in a great family. Minimal family drama, amazing holidays, I had everything I needed and wanted. More love than anything else and a lot of people to be there for me. I have no complaints about my childhood but seeing life with new eyes I can see how my path was laid out for me. My home life was sheltered, no outside worldly influences allowed. No TV for a long time, no music for a long time. I remember I convinced my Grandma to let me buy movie soundtracks because the music was "made for the movie" lol. It was a lie, but man I loved music so much. No one ever taught me about relationships, not the reality of them of course. I was taught, no sex before marriage, no boys allowed in your room, curfew, not allowed to stay the night with the boyfriend even after 18 years old came and went. Normal strict household rules. If you broke them it was the end of the world and you felt like a total piece of shit kid. So I followed the rules my entire life. It was easier than being the family disappointment when you were literally the poster child for the favorite child. It was out of the question to break those rules. My sister resented me for it, and it really hurt our relationship. She was always compared to me and I was always told not to be like her. In the end we never were really able to have that sister bond because of it. 
I've shared parts of my relationship with my ex in other blogs and talked about what I went through. It was very scary to be so open and vulnerable in sharing that part of my life with so many around the world, but if we can be brave and share our stories, it could help others and that is why I share my life so openly. I didn't realize I was even in an abusive relationship until I got out and really looked at the past eight years of my life. I don't want to rehash or reflect because that isn't my life anymore and my ex and I have come to common ground over the past three years for our children. I let go of the pain and the anger. I let go of all the hurt and moved on. Since then I have really grown as a person. "But Emily He Doesn't deserve forgiveness." I didn't forgive for him, I forgave for me and my heart. Since then I have become an all new person.

I have been through a lot of self growth over the past three years. I was finally allowed to live and grow as a human being with out anyone holding me back or directing my feet on where I should go. I have discovered a lot about the world that I wasn't allowed to be apart of for so long. I've learned not only about myself but about others. I've learned that being out in the world is really scary and most people suck. Not all people, but a lot of them. I've also learned that people who knew you at one point in your life, might have trouble accepting and supporting the you that you become once able to embrace your true spirit, I have changed so much. All for the better in my opinion but not in everyone's. Looking back now I do not remember who I was before my divorce. Looking back I realize it was because I wasn't a person I knew, I wasn't me. I was a collection of energies other people put into me and they weren't all positive.

It has been three years since my life took a drastic turn. It started out heartbreaking and got worse before it got better. I did a lot of crying...a shit ton of crying. My anxiety reached an all time high, I had my second panic attack in over ten years and I was diagnosed with depression and put on medication. I had to learn things most people my age are already comfortable with and have been doing for several years. I took full control of my life as a single woman and parent and it was scary as hell. I had no idea what I was doing and totally out of my comfort zone. I wasn't sure I could do it and doubted myself a lot but I learned so much.

When you go from the delicate age of 16 and out of a very strict protective home into a controlling relationship, you never really get to grow or experience. So by the age of 23 when I was put out with my kids and moved back in with my parents I was totally starting over in life blind. I decided I was just going to embrace it and go into it open minded and let life take me where I needed to be and it has. I've fallen more than a few times. I've lost my cool and second guessed myself but ultimately I am now in the best most secure and confident place I have ever been in and I got here by totally letting go of the life I knew so well. I had to, it was killing me,.

Now at 28, with two boys, an amazing best friend that has showed me why girlfriends are so important, a connection with one of my cousins that is a sister I always needed, and a boyfriend who has shown me what a real soulmate can be, I am moving forward to yet another new journey in life. My ex and I have buried the hatchet he so lovingly liked to hold onto and my boys and I are moving to Texas to start our new lives with my boyfriend and his amazing sons. Sometimes when you close a chapter in your life it can be scary and you wonder if you are ready or if you are making the right choice and I know I am.

Some things that I have learned over the past three years that have really changed my perspective on life are pretty basic but also can be extremely difficult to embrace. The most important thing I've discovered is how important it is to love yourself. You were created to be who you are and so many of us deny and ignore our true selves to make others happy or more comfortable in their own skin, meanwhile we are screaming to jump out of our own knowing we aren't being ourselves. The term "Give No Fucks" may be a bit in your face but it has helped me a lot. Yes, it's a curse word. Not just a curse word but the mother of all dirty words. It isn't the word, its the emotion and power it gave me. I'm sorry if it offends you. I had to learn to stop caring about what everyone thinks about me. Trust the people who know you, I mean really know you and love you, the ones who know your good and bad and know when you have messed up bad and still love you. They are the opinions you seek when you need help, not the worlds or the person who tears you down for sport, Take that advice and apply it how it fits for you while still following your own heart. Caring about how the whole world sees you is a lot for one person to handle. You can't make the world happy but you can make yourself happy by telling the world where to shove it. That's exactly what I did. I don't mean all the people who follow me as a social media person but just as a person. Just as the woman that I am who is still growing and changing.
I've also learned that no matter what you have been through, no matter who has hurt you or done you wrong, forgive and move on. Let that pain go. Give yourself closure even if they don't give it to you themselves because you deserve that. You deserve to let go of that negative energy and to move forward. I let go of my pain and anger after holding it for so long, I forgave people who never said sorry and I know deep down they don't think they need to. But I forgave for me, not them. I forgave so I can be happy and live my life without them holding me back. I've also most importantly learned that it isn't my job to be the main source of someones happiness. I can't be the source of making someone else's life better by allowing them to suck the life out of me. That isn't fair and I want people in my life that give me the same love and light I give them because they also want me to be happy.

I'm not perfect and I don't want to be. I think people forget that I am human and can have bad days too. I think they forget that as positive and silly as I can be, I can also have days where I don't feel as such. I want to be kind, I want to help people see their worth, I want to be the best mom I can be and raise two little humans to be good people when I set them out in the world on their own. I am learning and growing and changing. In more ways than my obvious outward style that use to give me the voice and confidence I now have because of who I grew into. Not everyone likes the new me. Some people think I have become trash by embracing my sexuality and not hiding the flaws I have. Some people think I have become too bold or too vulgar because I use the word fuck to express myself in public and not just in private where others can't hear me. I don't mind if people don't understand me, if they don't believe in the same faith the same way I do, if they don't like how I dress or represent myself as a woman and mother. That's ok. I don't need you to love me because I love me and that is enough. By loving myself I have gained so many amazing people that feed into that positive energy I have found within myself and they help keep me going. Also my kids think I am pretty cool and that's enough for me.

I guess what I am saying is, who cares how others see you or think of you, Are you healthy? do you have kids? Are you taking care of those kids? Are you happy? Are you a good person? Are you handling your business? Are you doing the best you can? Did you answer yes to any or all of those? Then you are doing just fine. The moment we stopped focusing on ourselves, and our own self growth and who we are as people and directed that focus in caring about how other people see us in those areas instead, is when this all went down hill. We hide behind our styles or sense of fashion. We hide behind our social statuses or how much money we make. We hide behind how much better we have it than others. We hide behind our self righteous religions. We hide behind how perfect we can make our bodies and our outward image while we let what really matters rot. Our hearts. Where is your heart? Who are you as a person and how do you treat people because that's what matters. When that man was attacking that woman at the store you were at the other day for simply wearing her Hijab, did you stand up for her? You should have. She was grocery shopping for her kids after work doing nothing wrong but he attacked her because he thinks he has the right to tell her what culture she should be apart of. When that old woman was spewing hate and damnation at the two young men holding hands in the park while watching the child they saved and adopted from an abusive foster family, did you defend them? Because they did nothing wrong by saving and loving a child. 

You have to stop caring about things that don't matter and start directing that energy into more positive places. Do it for yourself. Life is hard enough as it is without adding hate from other peoples opinions that only change your life if you allow them to. Next time someone says something hateful tell them how it made you feel. Hold them accountable and make your point clear. Let them know they are the problem and need to do some self reflecting and really look at how ugly it makes them to judge others how they do. Then turn around and let it go and move on. Do not let that comment own you forever. Don't let it own how you see yourself or how you live your life. You will be losing out on so much more if you do. Its time to let go of who you were. Broken, hurt, shamed, self conscious, let it all go and embrace who you can be, be who you are. Because you, you are amazing and you need to love the amazing person you are and take care of yourself so you can truly enjoy the life you were given and share it with others who love you the same way. 

Realistically not everyone will love, like, or agree with you, but that's ok. That's ok because you don't need everyone to. You need to and then you need to only share yourself with people who view you the same way. You can't keep sharing yourself with people who do nothing but tear your life down around you. It isn't healthy and it will only hold you back .

So I say in close, the next time someone has something mean to say to you, rather it be about how you live, who you are or what you look like, tell them "I don't care what you think. I LOVE ME" and then walk away and leave it there. Leave all that negative energy right there where they spit it out at you and let it sink into the ground around there own feet. It isn't your negative energy to carry. Its theirs and they need to learn to let it go or live with it and stop projecting it out at others, 

Remember I love you. Exactly how you are.
XOXO Emily Doll

"Remember To Always Be Yourself & You Will Always Be In Style"

XOXO

Emily Doll TVD

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