Friday, May 12, 2017

What The F**K Is A Bikini Body?

What The F**k Is A Bikini Body?
Emily Doll TVD

Oh how I missed the hot weather and mosquitoes of the summer months... No I am kidding. I don't do well in extreme heat and mosquitoes think I am their personal buffet. Now don't get me wrong, I love Summer. I grew up in SoCal and spent my summers on Huntington beach. So, yea amazing summer memories. 
I grew up with an above ground pool in my backyard. Me, my older sister and brother and two younger cousins spent every summer in the pool. We got out long enough to eat, sleep, watch the occasional Disney movie my grandma would bring us home from Cosco but that was about it.
I don't really remember bathing suit shopping when I was younger. I know every summer we got new swimsuits due to the massive amounts of chlorine my Grandma would put in the pool every night before putting the cover back on, eating all of the elastic out of our suits lol.
I remember a few of my epic swimsuits growing up. My first was a bright orange one piece with bright purple ruffles on the ass. Naturally I used that one to swim in my Grandmas bathroom sink. The next one I remember was also a one piece but it was a bright pastel design with the Nala character on it from The Lion King. That was one of my favorites and took me way to long to accept I had grown out of it when the time came to pass it down to my younger cousin. I fucking loved that Nala swimsuit. I wonder if they make them in my size now.....?
My first string bikini came way too early. My Uncle was taking His two little girls and I to Catalina Island for the weekend. I needed a new swimsuit for the trip and due to being 13 I insisted on a bikini. It was bright neon pink with bright neon orange strings. I thought I was one hot piece of jail bait, The only problem with this bikini was I didn't know it was 100% see through when wet until I got out of the water on a fully packed beach. 
I know I had a lot of swimsuits over the summers but I don't remember any one specific suit until my Uncle bought me my first real grown up bikini in Huntington Beach on PCH at the Roxy surf shop. I remember that bikini... I was so excited to get an actual Roxy brand bikini for the summer. It was a white cream string bikini with a 70's style orange, red and yellow sunset across the butt and top.
I remember two things most, that I loved it and that I was self conscious for the first time ever in a swim suit. I remember looking at myself and knowing I wasn't as developed as other girls my age. No boobs, hips, curves, anything. I ignored it mostly. I knew I needed a swim suit and this one fit perfect even though my brain kept whispering "You look weird." I spent a lot of summers in that suit because honestly from the age of 14 to basically 17 I didn't grow much so it lasted me a long time. 
I may not have matured but that bikini sure did. My Grandma woke me up one morning to tell me my Uncle was coming to get me to go to the beach. Well my bikini was no longer wearable and she quickly drove me around the corner to Target to pick one up before he got to our house. 
This was the first time I cried while trying on a bikini. It was like no matter what style I got, there was no extra small that was my size extra small. I remember thinking "It's XS! It barely exists why is it so big!!" Every pair of bottoms I tried on bagged all around me. Baggy butt,the kind that made you look like you were wearing a diaper. The legs would ha
ng open to reveal way too much of my literal bathing suit area lol, and the tops... well they all did that weird stiff padding thing were it stands away from your actual boob and if someone touched you, you would have a dented boob cup.
You couldn't take the padding out because then the triangles would basically look like one piece because you had to stretch them all the way across your flat chest... Oh yea, I know.
I remember standing there thinking what the hell am I suppose to do? I can't wear little girls swimsuits but clearly at 15 I also cant wear my age group because I didn't have enough body to fill out anything. It was really stressful. I thought jean shopping was bad but then realized that bikini shopping after the age of 12 is a nightmare.
I felt so unattractive. I wasn't trying to be sexy at that age  but I did want to be like all the other girls. They all looked great in their bikinis. They also mostly had much larger boobs and filled out their tops. I didn't even consider those same girls were struggling with body image issues as well. I just thought they looked amazing and compared myself to them and felt less pretty, I never lashed out at girls over those feelings. I never hated anyone for not looking as good as them but I did feel less in my own skin.
In my 20's I had my first son and was self conscious about my new mom body with matching stretch marks. I didn't wear another bikini after having my son until I started modeling retro bikinis for the epic Sugar Doll Swim. I felt super confident in her styles. They covered my stretch marks that I had yet to gain acceptance over and they also fit my new mom boobs and gave me some shape thanks to their high waist styles. Although I was still self conscious over my super slim figure, I was more self confident in her bikinis than I had been in a bikini in a long time.
I posted the photo above on my facebook page and was beyond torn apart about my body. Nothing but hateful negative comments about how I was too skinny.
It wasn't until I took a local modeling job two years ago that the bikini body monster raised its ugly head at me. I was 26 and about to do basically a swimsuit magazine local to Oklahoma. The models I was in the project with were perfect, to me. Perfect bodies. Perfect boobs. Tan skin, long blonde hair. Just your ideal swimsuit model. We all had to go get fitted at the local swimwear boutique that was supplying the bikinis for us... I showed up and went into the fitting room while tons of bikini style were pushed at me through the curtain. They all came down to the same thing. I was way too skinny for all of them. I looked like an anorexic twig whose new mom boobs were too saggy to fill out the tops like the perky tits of the other  much younger no kid having models.
 I left that fitting feeling horrible about myself. HORRIBLE. I felt so unattractive and just down right shitty. I wanted to bail on the project and hide under a rock. I opened up to my best friend and fellow model Ashley Angel who was also one of the girls doing the magazine. Thankfully with some much needed girl power, she was able to reassure me that I was worried about silly things and I could do this. That every one of those models felt the same way and none of us should because we are all beautiful strong women. She was right and I knew it. The photos in the end came out amazing and I was really proud of myself for getting past that struggle.

Last summer, my son wanted to have his birthday at the lake so I needed a bikini that I wouldn't be upset over if it was ruined with nasty lake mud.  I went and picked out a bikini from Wal-Mart. Yep Walmart. It was a two piece bikini that had a somewhat busier top to it that gave a little bit of lift, and it was leopard print so score right. It fit ok. The top didn't fit too great due to it not coming in a 32 DDD so I had to get a 34C which, we all know isn't the same.
That was the first bikini I wore and didn't even question my body. Why? Because I stopped giving a FUCK about what society had taught me about my body since before I even went through puberty. To hate it. To judge it. To devalue it. To hide it.
You know what I have to say to that... FUCK THAT! or for my minor followers, FORGET THAT NOISE!

Here is what I have to say about the new seasonal trend "Bikini Body"
Who defined this term? Who woke up and looked in the mirror and said "You know what? I clearly have the most perfect body that I will claim the term "Bikini Body" and brain wash every woman and man in the world that unless a woman looks exactly like me in a bikini, she can not in fact wear a bikini until she reshapes herself to look exactly like me!" oh and also make money of this said brain washing... The Fuck? I literally hate myself because you were narcissistic enough to think there should be a term to put basically most people on this planet into one category based of them not having YOUR ideal image of what a body should look like in a bikini!
Hold on.... I am trying to wrap my mind around this crap. So answer me this.... Does that put the weight lose industry and the fashion industry in the same category because they both use peoples insecurities that they themselves helped create against them to make money off these said insecurities.
Its like thanks to social media they have brought #trending into our daily lives. Its like fads and trending topics aren't just to feed us the daily news but to also dictate and control how we see ourselves. We have to lose these ties on our lives and how we view our personal value. I get looked down on at times for my use of the term "No Fucks" Mostly due to the word "Fuck" being very aggressive, but it isn't about the negativity attached to that word, we will handle that a different day, its the control you take when you apply that mindset. I allowed so many other people's opinions of me and my body control who I was, that I was unhappy. When after years of growing and learning, on top of some great prescriptions, I have decided... no more. I wont allow made up bullshit control my every waking move in my life. We all stopped living and started walking on egg shells through life because if someone posts something on social media of you, on your private page or not, It might start trending.. Excuse me? So because someone came up with a stupid summer term "Bikini Body" that means now every summer I have to worry about trying to fit into yet another man made category for women's bodies to be approved through or shown the value of... Wow big surprise.

Summer is a beautiful time of year. So many opportunities to make amazing memories with people who fill your life with things that make you happy and not tear you down. We are given but one life to live, and so much of that life is lived in pain and stress and worry over stupid things like a trending social media tag line. We deserve so much more than that. We deserve all of our passions and dreams and shouldn't give up on enjoying our lives because of some word brain washing you into thinking you are less than you are. IF you want to work out and go to the gym, awesome! Do you and enjoy it. If you want to get on a meal plan or lose some weight, Awesome you do you. But only do what benefits your life positively and happily. Don't stress and starve because that one link told you that you cant wear a bikini this year until you lose this many pounds. Always make life's influences positive sources for you. Because social ones will destroy you.
So this summer, if someone mentions having a "Bikini Body" Tell them yes you have a BBB  "A Beautiful Bikini Body" and are summer ready. After that don't let it take up space in your head for another second. Let it go and focus on how amazing your bikini is and you look bomb as fuck!

I just want you to know, there is no bikini body. If you are asking yourself, "What The Fuck IS That?" its ok because I was to. Well, I looked into it and I found it. Its so easy anyone can have it. Oh! and the best part is its free! The only money you have to include is the payment for said bomb ass bikini, but that's the fun part!!!One more step and you're good to go. Now, go into your bathroom, or strip butt ass naked right where you are and put on that bikini that you are going to take so many hot selfies in having a killer summer, that anyone who even thinks about judging your body will run in fear!
That might be a little too dramatic but who cares, why not have fun with it right.
This is our summer ladies. Lets all go out and find a bomb bikini, or one piece, cause I am totally digging on one pieces right now, and put them on and make our summers so good we totally want to Tumblr blog them! #blessedyall!

Boo Boo I got you, and you got this. Get down with your bad self and stop giving a fuck about fitting the newest trends. You were created to never fit into small close minded boxes so why are you trying?
Now, stop wasting time, go find a bathing suit you love, and the only question I want you to ask yourself is "How do I feel about this one?" and never wonder what others think. It isn't important. Your happiness though, its number one on the list of important shit in your life.

Oh, also remember that I love you, and your are beautiful. One day at a time. Life is a journey not a race. You will get there.

Beautiful. Bikini. Body.

"Remember To Always Be Yourself & You Will Always Be In Style"


Emily Doll TVD

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